November 18th, 2010 ~ What’s in a name…apparently everything

UGH sometimes people make me so sick.  One of these people in particular is my ex husband.  He was violent and abusive and indicted on felony charges due to his mistreatment of my children and I.  Wanna know what happened to him…he served two weeks in jail, got a deferred sentence so now these charges aren’t even on his record, and now has a new live in girlfriend and baby.  There are days I honestly wish I could be as lucky as him…today is one of those days.

Because of his mistreatment of us and his being predictably unpredictable, our entire lives have been flipped upside down, turned inside out, and arranged and rearranged again backwards.  We had to leave just about everything we had behind to relocate to a location unknown to him.  Anything that reminded us of him we left behind.  There was enough to furnish an entire house I’m sure.  I had to say goodbye to two of my children and get in a U-haul and travel roads I’ve never been on to get to a destination I had never been before.  Thankfully it wasn’t long before my family was reunited.

So once I get to the new spot, we begin anew all over.  We are thrilled to have our own apartment and begin eeking out our new existence as we adjust to assuming a completely new identity.  It was difficult at first but it got easier with time.  Accessing services we needed and qualified for was out of our reach.  We didn’t want to do anything in the former name (for fear of being found) and yet the assumed identity wasn’t legal so we remained stuck for a long time.  It was often difficult to keep my head up when there was so much wrong in my life.

In relocating, my children and I had lost so much and the gains, despite one of the biggest ones being our safety, didn’t seem adequate when stacked against everything we left behind, lost, or had taken from us.  Recovery was slow and painful but eventually we did recover and ultimately we made another major move.  This move took us to a location that allowed us to finally make the assumed names legal ones.  FINALLY…we thought we were finally seeing the tide turn.  It would appear that we were wrong and I don’t know where to go from here.

In addition to everything we lost/left behind not once but twice now, what should have been a huge blessing or stepping stone has turned out to be yet another hindrance.  We were elated to  finally make the assumed names legal, but I am not feeling as much elation as I write this blog.  You see, because my  name was legally changed, I have no credit, which is honestly worse than bad credit.  Because my name was changed, I have no rental history so I can’t get a place of my own.  Because my name was changed, taking my children to the doctor’s has been a complete nightmare.  Because my name was changed I have no verifiable job experience and am forced to rely on my ex-husband to support my family.  Because my name was changed…the list is endless really.

Today I honestly regret having followed the counsel of the relocation expert I worked with and wish I would have kept my former identity.  The worst that could happen if he finds me is that he acts out his threat to kill me.  And, since I know my place is sure, I’m not entirely convinced that would be a bad thing.

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