Define small, please: somebody, anybody!

The year was 1839 and Joseph Smith was incarcerated in Liberty jail.  The beginning of Section 121 in the Doctrine and Covenants contains Joseph’s cries to our God.  In verse 2 Joseph says “how long shall thy hand be stayed, and thine eye, yea thy pure eye, behold from the eternal heavens the wrongs of thy people and of thy servants, and thine ear be penetrated with their cries?”  The Lord replies with “my son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment”…

Often people tell us to insert our own names into the scriptures to make them more real…”my daughter Faith, peace be unto thy soul, thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment.”  What exactly is a small moment anyway?  Small certainly isn’t quite what I’d consider the last nearly 15 years of my life that’s for sure.  Shoot…that’s nearly half my life actually so yeah, not small by any definition I can fathom.

Ladies and gents…I’m tired, and not just because it’s going on 2am as I write this post. I’m tired of the adversity and affliction.  A speaker I heard not too long along would call them strengthening opportunities…I’m tired of being strong.   I’m tired of trying to hold it all together when really, letting it all fall apart would be easier and much less work.  I’m tired of there always being way more month than there is money, I’m tired of doing all the work that it takes to raise my children…children I didn’t have alone.  I’m tired of having to be both Mom and Dad and I’m tired of being tired.  I’m beyond tired actually and halfway through exhausted.

My new job…strange as it may seem, is actually going to cost me money to keep, school is coming and I have nothing that my children need to be ready for their first day and not enough money to even attempt to get ready.  I’m willing to work, I need to work…can I find adequate employment though…so far no, it eludes me.  I’m tired of not having enough of everything to meet the needs of my family.  I’m tired of not having enough sleep, enough time, enough money, enough patience, enough strength, enough energy, enough enough.

Again I ask…what is a small moment anyway?  This moment seems to be much like the heavens…unending.  I’m losing my ability to cope.  I’m not sure I even want to continue making the effort to do so.  What good is life when it’s such a struggle to even exist…?  I don’t want to just exist…I want to live.  In living, I want to thrive.  I don’t know how to get there anymore, I really don’t, and I often think I’m just going through the living motions without really doing it.  I guess you could say I’m lip singing through life.  I’m an outsider looking in…into a life that’s filled with all the things I dream of having someday.  The problem is, someday is not a day on the calendar.

God…in case you’re reading this…can we please get a new moment now…this small one has taken forever to pass and I’m about out of strength.

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