Let Faith Arise

Over the last few months I’ve learned that my story is pretty unique.  Not because I was battered, not because my children were abused, not because it took me so long to get out from under his clutches, but simply because of everything I’ve willingly done (despite hugely inconvenient sometimes) to help give my family a sense of safety.  Between me and you, I’m not sure that all the steps I took were necessary.  Like a friend of mine said though…better to err on the side of caution.  Even if Ex-Knight isn’t looking for me, others who know and love him might be.  Some of those others have financial resources that would make finding my family easier than those who don’t.  Prayerfully, something wicked won’t ever this way come.

It took me a long time to do it, but I finally was able to forgive Ex-Knight.  I have so many choice blessings because of his poor decisions and I will be eternally grateful for them.  Though forgiven, I’ve never forgotten what he did to me, or my kids and often I am reminded of what was done even when I am desperately trying to forget and move forward.  Yesterday was one of those days when I was forced to remember how difficult my life still is.  Once again, my world was pretty much kicked out from under me through no fault of mine own and, if traced back to the source, the greatest fault belongs to Ex Knight.

One of my biggest fears in leaving kept me in my marriage possibly 9 of the 10 years it took me to leave.  I was afraid, largely due to how Ex Knight beat my confidence into the ground on a regular basis, that if he and I went our separate ways, I wouldn’t be able to provide for my children.  Though I am part doctor, part nurse, part shrink, part taxi driver, part coach, part motivational speaker, part… as a mother, none of those jobs or hats are taken seriously in the real world of employment seeking.  Recent events (scroll down and read older posts I’ve blogged about them too) kinda of sent me spiraling out of control emotionally…hello depression, hospitalization, drugs and therapy.

Imagine if you will, that biggest fear being realized.  I guess that’s kinda where I find myself right now.  I can’t prove I was born, I can’t prove I graduated high school, and I can’t complete my education at present.  That was the last kick in the face and yesterday I was so totally done.  I apologized to my sister for being an epic failure of a sister and told her point-blank I would stick around through today to pick her son up from school, but couldn’t make any promises after that.  She told me repeatedly that she needed me and encouraged me not to give up and let Satan carry out his mission for my life and all I could do was cry and wallow in how utterly miserable I felt. Truth be told…I still honestly feel pretty miserable.

I’d almost wager a hefty bet on the fact that if we traded lives, you’d feel miserable too.  In the very instant my college messaged me to tell me they had cancelled my enrollment, I was instantly taken to back to that dark place where you can’t see anything but anxiety and despair.  It wasn’t my fault…I asked the district office to send my high school transcript…REPEATEDLY.  I asked my former college to send the document on only to find they never even requested it.  I called my Mom and begged her to let me help her find my diploma…guess what though?  NONE of these things worked.  The kick in the face comes in knowing that even though I graduated from high school 20 years ago with honors, I’m likely going to be resigned to take a GED test just to prove I completed high school and it’s all Ex-Knight’s fault.  Because of this, my college enrollment was cancelled and I can’t resume classes until I can prove I graduated.  This is all Ex-Knight’s fault too.  Why you ask…I can’t prove high school completion because of the name change.  Why the name change, because of Ex-Knight.  It’s awfully difficult to stay encouraged and “keep on truckin” when everything you’re working to do and everything you’re working to gain is taken away…repeatedly.

Finally I just decided I didn’t care anymore and I was gonna go to sleep…if I woke up fine…if not well that was fine too.  Apparently I woke up right?!?!?  When I did, I found some amazing love and counsel from someone whose wisdom I appreciate more than he will likely ever know.  This is what he said to me….

I remember the day I hit rock bottom and it had appeared I had lost everything. I will never forget that day. I had 2 major feelings, one pushing me to give up and to forget all I had been taught, but the other was quiet, very quiet. I had to calm myself to hear it. It was the Holy Ghost. He knew exactly how I felt. He did not blame me or judge me. It was as if He said, “are you ready to let me help you do what God wants me to help you with?”  At that point, the decision became clear. I was done running, I was done blaming, I was done forgetting all that I had learned and was taught. I was ready to change. I was not sure of the outcome, but for an orphan who had lost 2 mothers and 2 fathers, my will to live and possibly my family. I said I’ll do what you want me to do.I said a prayer and I went to work. The first few days and weeks seemed impossible, yet each day I was strengthened to stay the course.  Days turned into weeks and then months and I woke up about 3 months into my journey and I had no more hate, anger, or any ill feeling for any one. All were my friends, things weren’t exactly were I wanted, but I was happy and I felt hope and anticipated the joy of it all working out sooner than later.Through all my hell I was learning to trust my Father in Heaven. He loves me and wants to build me.  Me a crazy messed up dude.  He loves me enough to walk with me every step of the way.  I pushed Him away a lot throughout my life, but no more. He is my friend and He loves me.

Faith, He loves you more than you can know. He wants you to trust him; His ways aren’t our ways. I promise He has a plan for you.  I know you will let Him show you.  I said a prayer for you with faith that the Holy Ghost may testify of His love and hope that Christ gives with love to you.  This shall be but a moment and then shall the clouds part if we are but faithful.  You’re no ordinary woman, so you are tested in a unique way designed with love to help you continue to become a queen some day in the courts on high.

With love ,

G-Man

Ok…his name isn’t actually G-Man, but this nickname fits him.  He really IS a Good man.  One of the best I’ve known actually.  Imperfect I’m sure, but humble and loving and clearly brilliant judging by the counsel he gave me.  Either that, or because he chose the most INCREDIBLE woman to be his wife.  G-Man I love you and your wife so very much.  Thanks again for your counsel.

So…that got me thinking and praying…ummmm wait no nevermind.  I’m not sure you can call what I did this morning praying.  It was more like a gut wrenching, soul in agony plea to my Heavenly Father.  I seem to be doing a lot of this lately, I hope He decides “this moment” that G-Man refers to is almost over.

G-Man’s counsel also got me pondering some things and DOING some things.  I re-read the enrollment cancellation email.  Ok…not so bad now that I know I can re-enroll when I can get the high school completion proof.  If the district won’t send it, the worst that happens is I’m forced to go get a GED.  Yes…you read that right.  If I can’t get the district to work with me then I will have to go take a GED test despite having graduated with honors years and years ago.  Stupid I know…don’t even get me started…

Afterwards, I got busy doing my usual Auntie duties and running errands and the like and I got distracted.  God took special measures to show that He was with me today though.  All day my nephew (who is only 4 and can’t understand what’s wrong even if I told him) came to me and said “don’t worry Auntie, I love you.”  Not once, not twice, not even three times but over and over.  I’m thinking that somehow he knew what I needed.  I didn’t cry in front of him or anything, but he told me he loved me repeatedly as if to somehow tell me not to give up because he loved me and needed me.  It worked.

Then, after getting him on the bus to school I ran some errands.  As I’m driving to Wal-Mart I catch a glimpse of the light of God.  No joke.  My location was overcast and gray, but in the distance loomed one of the mountains in my area.  It was glowing yellow.  I don’t mean like lemon yellow, I mean divine yellow, angelic yellow.  I can’t explain it, you’ll just have to trust me.  I can’t recall ever seeing a mountain this color before and when I saw it I felt a peace wash over me.  Somehow it was going to be OK.  The day was getting better, but still I struggled to go about my routine tasks…God must have decided I wasn’t listening quite as well as He wanted me to, so He pretty much kidney punched me to drive His point home…three times today I heard the song “I Lift My Hands”…it’s one of my favorite Chris Tomlin songs for so many reasons, but today it pretty much YELLED at me…here are the lyrics:

Be still, there is a healer
His love is deeper than the sea
His mercy, it is unfailing
His arms are fortress for the weak

Let faith arise
Let faith arise

I lift my hands to believe again
You are my refuge, You are my strength
As I pour out my heart
These things, I remember
You are faithful, God, forever

Be still, there is a river
That flows from Calvary’s tree
A fountain for the thirsty
Pure grace that washes over me

Let faith arise
Let faith arise

I lift my hands to believe again
You are my refuge, You are my strength
As I pour out my heart
These things, I remember
You are faithful, God, forever

I lift my hands to believe again
You are my refuge, You are my strength
As I pour out my heart
These things, I remember
You are faithful, God, forever

Let faith arise, let faith arise
Open my eyes, open my eyes
Let faith arise, let faith arise
Open my eyes, open my eyes

I lift my hands to believe again
You are my refuge, You are my strength
As I pour out my heart
These things, I remember
You are faithful, God, forever

And I lift my hands to believe again
You are my refuge, You are my strength
As I pour out my heart
These things, I remember
You are faithful, God
You are faithful, God, forever

Let faith arise
Let faith arise

And, for those who don’t know the song…here’s the YouTube Video:

I know Chris is talking about faith as in the idea of believing, but check out how powerful these lyrics become when you capitalize the f making it Faith as in what I go by…

Let Faith arise
Let Faith arise

I lift my hands to believe again
You are my refuge, You are my strength

As I pour out my heart
These things, I remember
You are faithful, God, forever

Let Faith arise, let Faith arise
Open my eyes, open my eyes
Let Faith arise, let Faith arise
Open my eyes, open my eyes

 

Not once while driving, but three times, on three different radio stations, at three different times of the day.  Lord I pray you will let Faith arise…out of the ashes of what is now her life to be triumphant beyond belief.  It doesn’t end there though.  God even spoke to me at the dollar store.  I’m browsing up and down the aisles looking for who knows what and getting way more than the sugar jars I came there for, when I see this:

Of COURSE I had to buy it, even if I rolled my eyes at my God like an aggravated teenager when a parent is delivering a mini-lecture (or maxi lecture lol).  The eye roll was as if to say LOOK I get it already sheesh and then I was reminded how He spoke to me via the only thing in my life I have total confidence in right now…my precious nephew.  If I know NOTHING else, I know that I am the BEST Auntie to that little guy that anyone could ask for.  Perhaps when he kept saying to me “Don’t worry Auntie I love you” it was Heavenly Father and not all him entirely…hey, it could happen.

I’m still feeling discouraged, I’m not going to lie.  I’m still frustrated that I can’t seem to win for losing and I honestly don’t know how the kids and I are going to make do and through, but this much I know….God has clearly told me “Don’t worry, I love you” and because I KNOW that He loves me, I will do just as this plaque says and trust, hope, and believe in Him to set it all right in His time.

As I wrap this epic saga of a post up, I’m in a much different space tonight than I was last night.  I’m so grateful for friends and loved ones to buoy me when the storms rage and my arms are too tired to tread water any longer.  I’m more grateful for the life raft that is always thrown to us via the Atonement of Jesus Christ.  I don’t know how I will ultimately be totally victorious over all that has been put in my life to destroy me and drag me down into the pit of despair, I just know that with God’s help I will.

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2 thoughts on “Let Faith Arise

  1. I love it it all! You know Faith allowing some one to love us makes us so vulerable, especially when we have been hurt. 😦

    But something I have found that took a 36 almost 37 years is that God’s love is perfect.

    I always knew that in concept, but allowing my heart to open and really let it in and belive it is soooooooo soooooo awsome. I can’t explain it.

    You know Faith, I am convinced very few people know how to let their life really go in to thier Savior’s hands. We all say it, but doing it really makes me feel so safe and warm and all fears melt away because I know it’s real because I had to choose to let it. Simple I know, but that combined with really all He asks is to keep the commandments and love one another. That’s really all.

    Sounds too simple right, but it is 🙂

    Faith what I can’t wait for now is sharing my testimony and hope to others.

    Faith your story has bite when you win and stay true. I’ve never heard of someone giving up in the end and being inspired. It’s those, like you, that endure with graditude and trust and are happy along life’s journey that touch me. I know you are going to touch so many lives.

    You have touched Gloria and our lives for the better. When we first meet you we knew that you were a girl who is going to go places. We love you Faith and we can’t wait to see where God takes you. As you become one with Him, your life will change and you will touch others more by what you do and your faithfulness than you can possibly imagine 🙂

    Thanks for sharing it meant a lot!!!!

  2. Faith, I do not even know how to reply. You have had so many hurdles. Still, you are a warrior and I do believe that you do indeed trust God. You may often wonder what your role is in God’s world with all this angst that you are up against. I believe that God has you here on earth to raise His children. To pass along His faith and promise. You live each day as it comes and you give each day to your children and family, God’s church and your friends. Do not forget for one minute that you are indeed important. (I am crying over here–for many reasons.) Thank you for your example and sharing your story. Fondly and In Christ, Krista

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