This is the life that never ends, it goes on and on my friend….now you’re gonna have this tune stuck in your head forever aren’t ya? Hee hee, you’re welcome.
With the end of another year approaching, I find myself pondering and reflecting and feeling more frustrated, discouraged, and disappointed than ever before. I don’t feel like I’ve made any progress in the last year. A year ago I was in therapy, preparing for my nephew to have major brain surgery, and flunking out of school due to all the drama that is and was my life. And, despite the fact that I”m not in therapy, my nephew is almost one year post-op and still seizure free, and I now have a B+ average in school, I really feel like I’ve accomplished nothing. I’m not in any better place financially, I’m not more organized, my apartment isn’t staying cleaner, I’m not more in-tune spiritually, and I’m still struggling to find contentment let alone joy.
As the New Year approaches, many of us will make resolutions to geared toward improving our standard of living, our way of living, how we live, etc. I have done it before several times myself. This is the year I…so many thinks have filled in those blanks and yet, each year, I find myself looking back with enormous regret and frustration because of so many things I have failed, never even attempted, or resolved no longer mattered. Can you relate? I don’t know what to do this next year. My lack of goal completion leaves me afraid to set goals for fear of more of the same simply not accomplishing them.
And, if I’m totally honest, it’s been so long since I’ve honestly had a good conversation with myself and my Heavenly Father about what I REALLY want out of life, just for me, that I’m not sure if I even know anymore. I want to be self-reliant financially so I can provide for my kids with or without (most likely without) the help of their fathers, I want to lose weight so I can maybe ease some of the pain I’m often in and make it easier to play with my kids, I want to finish school so I can stand a better chance of being self-reliant and yet, though apparently noble desires, none of those things come into play just for me or solely because of me.
I’ve always felt like an epic failure. I’ve had low self-esteem since long before I even knew what self-esteem was. The list of things I’ve tried and failed or failed to try is so long you’d have to scroll till your great-grandchildren arrived if I tried to include them in this post. So, now that we’ve established what an epic failure I am, any suggestions on how to become the opposite? How do I go from failing nearly everything I ever attempt to having a Midas touch where everything I attempt turns into gold…the kind of gold that leads to prosperity, confidence and happiness? How do I get from succeeding at failing to just simply succeeding? Honestly, I have no idea.
As the New Year approaches, the only thing I can think about that I might be able to achieve is getting my temple recommend back. Do I want much more than this? Yes of course, but I’m so afraid of not coming close to achieving goals, let alone actually hitting the mark, that I’m afraid to set any more than the one I’ve just stated. I’m already doing what it takes to achieve that goal (paying my tithing), so now it’s just a matter of time. Yes I know…I kind of took the chicken way out and set a goal knowing I was pretty much already on-target for achieving it, but sometimes you gotta take baby steps. Right now my steps are even smaller than that I think.
Maybe though, once I’ve accomplished this one teeny tiny goal, I’ll have the courage to set another and the skills required to make it a reality. One can only hope I guess, right?!?!? I’ll keep ya posted.